Why Won’t You Apologize by Harriet Lerner EPUB & PDF – eBook Details Online
- Status: Available for Free Download
- Author: Harriet Lerner
- ISBN: 1501129597
- Language: English
- Genre: Interpersonal Relationships, Conflict Management, Family Conflict Resolution
- Format: PDF / EPUB
- Size: 2 MB
- Page: 208
- Price: Free
The Many Faces of “I’m Sorry”
My humorist friend Jennifer Berman drew a cartoon of the “guy with a
million excuses.” My personal favorite is, “I’m sorry . . . but you never
ASKED me if I was married with kids.” Then there’s the New Yorker
cartoon that shows a father talking to his grown son. “I wanted to be there
for you growing up, I really did,” the dad says. “But I got a foot cramp. And
then a thing came up at the store—anyway, you understand.”
While the humor of both cartoons rests on their absurdity, we have all
received apologies followed by rationalizations that undo them. They are
never satisfying. In fact, they do considerable harm.
I’ve been studying apologies—and the men and women who can’t give
them—for over two decades. Of course, you don’t need to be an expert on
the subject to recognize when a well-deserved apology is not forthcoming,
or when a bad apology flattens you. “I’m sorry” won’t cut it if it’s insincere,
a quick way to get out of a difficult conversation, or followed by a
justification or excuse.
The healing power of a good apology is also immediately recognizable.
When someone offers me a genuine apology, I feel relieved and soothed.
Whatever anger and resentment I may still be harboring melts away. I also
feel better when I offer an apology I know is due. I’m enormously grateful
that I can repair the disconnection after having made a mistake or acted
badly. Not that I’ve always been a champion apologizer. With my husband,
Steve, for example, I like to apologize for exactly my share of the problem
—as I calculate it, of course—and I expect him to apologize for his share,
also as I calculate it.
Needless to say, we don’t always do the same math.
We’re all apology-challenged with certain people and in some situations.
Some apologies are easier to offer than others. It’s one thing to forget to
return your neighbor’s Tupperware, and another to sleep with her husband.
For a small insensitivity, a simple and heartfelt “I’m sorry” may be all it
takes, but not all of our insensitivities are simple.
This book will teach you how to craft a deeply meaningful apology, and
decode apologies that are blame-reversing, ambiguous, and downright
mean. Going beyond the “how-to’s” of the good apology, we’ll be looking
at compelling stories that illustrate how much the simple apology matters
and why we so often muck it up. We’ll also be looking at heroic apologies
that can open the door to forgiveness and healing in even the most difficult
circumstances.
As the title Why Won’t You Apologize? suggests, the chapters ahead are
also for the hurt or angry person who has received a weaselly or insincere
apology—or none at all. When we’ve been insulted or injured by someone
who just doesn’t get it,
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