Not Since Ewe by Susannah Nix EPUB & PDF – eBook Details Online
- Status: Available for Free Download
- Authors: Susannah Nix
- Language: English
- Genre: Contemporary Romance Fiction
- Format: PDF / EPUB
- Size: 2 MB
- Price: Free
TESS
“Do you know what time it is?” I asked when I walked into the shared
break room of my office co-op. It was empty except for one person, my
work friend Marie, a freelance journalist who rented the office across from
mine.
She looked up from her yogurt and broke into a grin when she saw me
holding my phone in my hand. “Is it time to play How Many Dick Pics?”
“You guessed it.” I already had my cynicism pants on as I opened the
FindUrPartner app. Not literal pants, mind you. My cynicism pants were
purely metaphorical. They matched the metaphorical chip on my shoulder
and provided protection from the metaphorical bitter pills waiting in my
inbox.
As a single woman in my late forties who’d been online dating much of my
adult life, I’d developed a cynical attitude about it. All my efforts had ever
won me was some temporary companionship, a few brief but ultimately
unsatisfying relationships, and more bad dates than I cared to remember. I
no longer had any expectation that the dating apps I dabbled with would
lead to any sort of meaningful connection.
And yet I couldn’t quite give them up. It was almost an addiction at this
point. I knew I’d probably never hit the jackpot, but I couldn’t quit feeding
nickels into the damned slot machine.
At least it provided some amusement. Marie and I always had fun laughing
at the social ineptitude of the men who messaged me. As conversational
overtures went, sending a photo of your junk to a stranger was about as
clever as prank calling them to ask if their refrigerator was running.
“Place your bets,” I said as I refilled my coffee mug. “How many dick pics
from prospective suitors will I find in my direct messages today?”
Marie closed her eyes and pressed her fingertips to her temples with the
gravity of a Jedi Master. “I’m sensing a lot of dicks in the Force today.
Feels like…three—no—four.” Her eyes popped open and she nodded,
satisfied with her prognostication. “Definitely a four-dick day.”
“Bold guess.” I tended to average one or two daily dicks, although my alltime record currently stood at five.
Honestly, how were there so many grown men in the world with the
interpersonal skills of twelve-year-old boys? How did they manage to
navigate other areas of their lives? Feed themselves? Dress themselves?
Hold down jobs? It was one of those unfathomable mysteries of the world.
Neil deGrasse Tyson should do an episode of The Inexplicable Universe on
it.
Marie offered a shrug as she licked berry yogurt off her spoon. “I don’t
control the dicks, Tess. I only predict them.”
“All right, here goes. There are seven new messages waiting for me this
morning. Let’s see how many of them include a penis.”
“I’m on the edge of my seat.” Marie scooched her butt forward on her stool.
“Literally.”
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