If Tomorrow Doesn’t Come by Jen St. Jude EPUB & PDF – eBook Details Online
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- Author: Jen St. Jude
- Language: English
- Genre: Teen & Young Adult Fiction on Suicide Social
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the end
I wanted to hide my body somewhere no one would have to find it.
Midway through my freshman year, I settled on the Saco River—a hungry
stretch of icebergs and fog that slipped by the edge of campus. I liked the river
because when I stood on its edge, it always felt like morning, even at sunset,
even at midnight. I also liked it because it was practical and clean. It would take
me away, wash every part of me. Bury me in its silt.
On a frigid February night, I cleaned my side of the room by moonlight as
my roommate slept soundlessly. I deleted every photo of myself from social
media and then sat on my bed writing goodbye notes on loose-leaf paper. I put
the letters on my desk, tucked myself into my bed, and listened to an audiobook
until our window glowed with the first sign of dawn.
On my final morning, the morning of my nineteenth birthday, I put on my
blue coat and gold sneakers, smoothed my hair in the mirror without looking
myself in the eyes, and left my dorm room one last time. I crossed Eaton
College’s campus in the shadows of mountains, and stumbled through a wall of
evergreen trees to a dock winged by canoes. Everything looked so beautiful, but
I didn’t know how to feel it.
The boats crashed around me as I knelt on the icy wood, sadness like sand in
my blood. In the broken glass of rushing water, I almost expected to see not my
own reflection but the face of my aunt Devin, my mother’s sister who, on the
day I was born, waded out into the Irish Sea and stayed there. Everyone said I
looked like her because of my penny-red hair and blue eyes. But I didn’t see her
face in front of me, only mine. I was alone.
My jeans soaked through to the skin. My heart raced until my ribs shivered. I
brushed tears away so I could see one more sunrise, but the sun blinked open
too quickly for color.
I’d always been a little broken, but at least before Eaton I’d fooled people into
thinking I was talented, sparkling, and smart. Now, I felt like I wasn’t even a
person at all. I didn’t want anything. I hoped for nothing. No one needed me.
The sadness had spread from my brain to my bones. It lived in my body. I didn’t
think it would ever go away. How could it? It could only get worse when my
parents found out I had failed a class. When they discovered I’d been essentially
kicked off the soccer team. It could only get worse when Cass fell in love with
somebody new, and I had to watch it happen. Then what?
Then nothing.
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