Nearly All The Men In Lagos Are Mad by Damilare Kuku EPUB & PDF – eBook Details Online
- Status: Available for Free Download
- Author Name: Damilare Kuku
- Book Genre: Africa, African Literature, Cultural, Fiction, Humor, Literature, Romance, Short Stories
- ISBN # 9789789907199
- Edition Language:
- Date of Publication: —
- PDF File Size: 1.2 MB
- EPUB File Size: 1.3 MB
Cuck-Up
One night, you will calmly put a knife to your
husband’s penis and promise to cut it off. It will
scare him so much that the next day, he will call
his family members for a meeting in the house. He will not
call your family members, but you will not care. You won’t
need them.
Your husband’s family will crowd the new apartment—a
bedroom and a parlour, called self-contain by Lagos agents
—you got three months ago. It will feel like they surround
you. They will exclaim, sigh, frown, click their tongues,
gnash their teeth, and repeat a million times that you
committed an abomination.
His potbellied uncle, Buraimo, who always leers at your
bosom will point at you and say, “Shebi I told him not marry
you? I said marry someone from your tribe. Igbo women
are dangerous.” He will say this while ogling your bosom.
“Well, I blame him for not handling you properly. Because if
it was me who was handling you, ehn,” he will beat his
chest in anguish at this point, “if it was me, you wouldn’t
have tried this nonsense.”
His eldest sister, Azeezat, will pretend to appeal to your
shared womanhood. “Isi, as a woman myself, I know men
can be difficult. But what you have done is terrible. No
woman has done this thing in our family. In fact, it is a
disgrace to womanhood to want to cut your husband’s
member. Haba! If you cut Lukumon’s member, how will you
people have another child? You know we expect your next
child to be a boy.”
You will be so amused that she calls it member, it will
make you smile.
They will misinterpret your smile.
“You are smiling at your evil, abi? You are not well! You
hear me? You are mad!” Lati, his immediate elder sister
with the tiny voice, will jump and bark at you before
someone will tell her to calm down.
You will stay silent as you planned. Till, your husband’s
older cousin, Mufu, the thief, will make you talk.
“Mufu, please bring out Lukumon’s watch from your
pocket, and put it back on the side-stool,” you will say
quietly, but with clear menace.
Everyone will turn to Mufu. Their embarrassed faces will
confirm they know he’s a thief. But because he’s one of
theirs, Uncle Buraimo will try to save his face.
“Mufu, eh, I know you were just . . . eh . . . admiring, eh .
. . Lukumon’s watch. But sha, put it back o, before she cuts
your manhood.”
They’ll all titter, nervously, forcefully, while Mufu will pull
the watch from his pocket and place it on the side-stool.
He’ll glare at you. You’ll glare back and hope he gets the
message that you’d no longer stand for him brazenly
pilfering things anytime he visited, partly because
Lukumon was scared to call him out.
You’ll look at Lukumon and wonder how you came to love
such a sorry excuse for a man.
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