First and Forever by Jay McLean EPUB & PDF – eBook Details Online
- Status: Available for Free Download
- Author: Jay McLean
- ISBN: B07TV7NBTK
- Language: English
- Genre: Literary Fiction
- Format: PDF / EPUB
- Size: 2.2 MB
- Page: 406
- Price: Free
CONNOR
ALL THE DAYS blur into one, and the only thing I care about is
basketball. Because never have I wanted a way out of this
dumpster-fire of a life more than I do now. Karen sits next to
me in psych, Ava on the opposite side of the room, as far away
from me as possible. She doesn’t talk to me, doesn’t even look
at me. I spend every lunch break in the cafeteria, suffocating in
the stupidity of the people around me.
There are no goodnight kisses.
No knocks on my window.
No lengthy text messages.
No late-night phone calls.
And no game day balloons.
There’s just me. Existing in a foreign world, living a life I
thought I wanted while loving a girl who can’t love me back.
And there’s also my piece of shit car that decides to
randomly stop working on the way home after another backto-back private coaching session. I have just enough time to pull the car over on the side of the road before it dies
completely. Dropping my forehead against the wheel, I crank
the engine. Nothing. I check the fuel gauge; that’s fine. So I
flick on the hazards and push open the door with both feet, my
frustration making an appearance in the form of a groan. I lift
the hood, and then I stare at a hunk of metal because I have no
clue what I’m looking at.
I walk around the car, inspecting the tires because… I
don’t know why. I’m tired, and I’m sore, and I just want to get
home and die on my bed and not get up until I have to. I grab
my phone from my car and dial Dad’s number. It rings out. I
try it again. And again. And I’m sure there are other people I
could be calling, but I’m drained, physically and emotionally,
and so I sit my ass on the gravel in front of the car and take in
the silence around me. Appreciate it. It’s dark out, but the
skies are clear except for a few lonely stars. If a serial killer
were to drive by, I’d be the perfect victim. I laugh at the
thought and go to message Ava… but then I remember. And
then I wonder how it is I could’ve ever forgotten.
After everything that happened with my mom, my dad
thought it would be a good idea to do therapy, both alone and
together. I remember sitting next to him when the therapist
asked him to describe what it felt like to lose her—his wife.
He said—besides his concerns of what it would do to me longterm—losing her was like waking up twice.
First, you wake up and think that everything’s normal.
Like you’re going to walk into the kitchen, and she’ll be there
making breakfast and playing with your son. And then you
realize that that’s not going to happen, and you wake up again.
To reality. And that reality is your life.
I think, in a way, I’m still at the waking-up-for-the-firsttime stage. And maybe it’s not fair, or right, to compare losing
Ava to my dad losing his wife, the mother of his son, but there
it is.
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